walk on

Clarify the Win

2011-07-05T11:05:00.003-04:00

I've been reading 7 Practices of Effective Ministry, co-written by Andy Stanley, Reggie Joiner, and Lane Jones, which was given to me by my friend Ouida Bradford.
_________________________________________________

Ouida is the Director of Chi Alpha @ Columbus State University. For more info about Chi Alpha and their ministry in Columbus, GA, shout out to her: ouidapeople@gmail.com.
_________________________________________________

One of the key practices listed in the book is to Clarify the Win. The idea is that an organization cannot reach its potential if it is unclear what the goals...or the wins...really are. It's like marital expectations: if my wife and I aren't clearly communicating what our expectations of each other are, we will definitely never fulfill them. It's guaranteed.

In the same way, we're faced with the task of un-muddying the waters so that our organization or church or team is able to succeed in carrying a task to its completion. The question is: what does it look like to win @ enter your family/organization/team's name? And a nice follow-up question to that is, what's standing in the way of winning?

It's quite easy to get caught up "killing cockroaches," or reacting to everyday fires, instead of initiating strategic steps to achieving your goals. Can I encourage you to clarify what your personal/organizational wins are so that you and those around you can begin to think in terms of the steps to get you there?

I played golf the other day for the first time with some good golfers. I hated being terrible at something...it was really frustrating. And I hate losing. It's simple: make plans to win. Not making plans may in fact be your fatal blow...not a lack of talent or skill...but a lack of strategy.
__________________________________________________

My next blog will detail more about how The Church wins...followed by some thoughts on how individual churches can clarify the win in their own contexts.
__________________________________________________

law of addition

2011-07-04T22:56:00.008-04:00

I was having a conversation tonight with Krissy and some friends, Jeremiah and Bianca Stingl, when I mentioned that I am thinking of erasing my Facebook account. This is a kind of running joke with me and my wife since I decide to erase all social media accounts probably once every two years. Myspace suffered the fatal blow years back, but like all social media, my profile is sure to be floating around in cyberspace somewhere. But my knee-jerk reaction to kill the parasite got me thinking, what is adding to my life, and what is taking away from it?

There are so many things competing for my time on a daily basis, and I think I'm more disconnected than most people. The truth is that we all make choices about how our daily energies will be spent: an hour on Words with Friends...30 minutes perusing the blog-o-sphere...45 minutes watching podcasts...three hours watching funny dog tricks on YouTube...not to mention the years of our lives we spend on television. We're all making decisions.

So what choices are you making? Are they adding to your life...or are they taking away from you? More directly, are your daily time/energy decisions going to reinforce the vision that you have for your life...or the purpose that God has conceived in you?

In short, I feel like Facebook is wasting more time than it is adding to my purpose. It may soon find itself in the cyber trash next to Myspace...

strangers

2011-02-14T21:35:00.004-05:00

It feels bad to be strange to a place, to be out of your element so much so that you know you don't belong. I've learned what it is to be a stranger lately, moving to a new city, beginning a new job, moving into a new apartment, and building new relationships--it's all out of my comfort zone. I am literally unknown here...and I'm sure that I seem strange to some people. They don't know where I came from or who I am. They don't get my jokes or the reason why I say the stupid things I say. There's no context for me to speak from. I don't know them, and they don't know me.

In Peter's first letter, he addresses us as "God's elect, strangers in the world." Why would he call us strangers, when all we want to be is usual suspects? We want a "Cheers" world where everybody knows our names. We want the routines that we create to pacify our anxieties and quell our senses of danger. But God speaks through the Apostle that we are, in fact, strangers here. We aren't meant to be ordinary or to become comfortable with the ordinary. We aren't meant to settle on terra firma, but to long for a heavenly country...one this world cannot contain. We are meant to be different.

The great thing about the walk of faith is that the more we realize we are strangers here, the more at home we become with God's kingdom and His ways. And isn't that the point? Aren't we meant to become so detached from this world and so attached to God that the natural response of our lives is to usher in the presence and and power of God everywhere we go. In Paul's words, we become the aroma of Christ...stars in the universe.

So take a moment today and reset your gaze on God...and allow the world to once again become strange to you. Become strange to the world. Spend enough time in God's presence that you are filled with hatred for personal sin and remorse for the sins of others. And remember, if it the world is strange to you, you will be strange to it.

Breathing

2011-02-05T21:27:00.005-05:00

I had the chance today to take part in Chapelhill's Prayer Partner Training...what an incredible group of people, seeking the Lord to live a Spirit-led life! There was so much to take away from the day, but here is a short summary:

// Listening Prayer is a way of life. //

We should be devoted to spending time in the Spirit, listening to what the Father is saying. But how often do I pray as a means to accomplish something else, not realizing that my dependence on God is the point? Prayer, more than any other practice makes me acutely aware of my deepest need for intimacy with the Father...and simultaneously exposes the sinful separations between us. I can tell when I haven't sought Him as I should. Our conversation is full of awkward pauses on my part, like a blind date with someone you don't know.

But if we don't venture there...if we don't find our way back to the mercy seat, then we walk through life weighed down by the accusations of the enemy, and we quickly lose strength to walk victoriously when we become the Devil's punching bag. Martin Luther King, Jr., said, "To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing." Who am I, Houdini? We can only hold our breath for so long. It's time to breath. It's time to pray.

Hunger vs. Holiness

2011-02-04T22:06:00.003-05:00

In the January 31st installment of My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes, "Christian workers fail because they put their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God."
// Hunger vs. Holiness //

Chambers was writing in a time of great division. The Church was experiencing the sweeping arm of the Holiness Movement, a push in the Church to redeem the most fundamental ideas of what it meant to be holy, set apart from the influence of the world. Enter an orthodox disdain for chewing gum, drinking caffeine, dancing, going to movies, wearing makeup, women wearing pants,etc. You get the image. It was a counter-cultural war, a civil jihad.

As a result, much of Chambers teachings were in response to the onset of the teaching of human traditions and dogmatic denominationalism in lieu of dependence on God and His Word. He championed thought and reason in a time of great spiritual tension.

And although we're in a completely different time, I wonder if Chambers' statement on hunger isn't as pertinent and vital now in the Pentecostal churches as ever before. It's scary to think that we could unknowingly swap the foundation of our faith from true hunger and thirst for God for a growing intensity about our own personal holiness.

// The problem //

The problem is that as culture changes, the furniture changes. It would be like saying a household locked in 70s decor is better than a modern one based on the virtue of the colors and fabrics. They're cosmetic! We've too quickly labeled the furniture as hallowed and overlooked the truly sacred things. Jesus didn't pedal a purity of the outward alone...it was a purity of heart...a transformation that began from within and affected the whole man.

How could we think that if we simply reorder our external environment (clothes, music, food, friends) we could be righteous? A gross preoccupation with the external will always undermine the integrity of the internal. That was at the heart of the problem in the Holiness Movement.

I don't believe Jesus jumped onto the page of history so that we could become better people, defined by our own moral excellence and by the way things appeared. Otherwise, the Pharisees would have been enough. No, Jesus came to do what we could not: die to sin. He came to do what we never thought possible: take up resurrection life. He didn't come to merely assuage our guilty consciences, but to break the power of accusation once and for all.

// I'm guilty //

I'm guilty of riding the rollercoaster of triumph and defeat in my own character, in my thought life, and in my response to the mission of God in me and around me. I'm still selfish enough to bargain for my own personal holiness as the key to my righteousness, forgetting the victory of the cross that's at work in me.

We must all bury any sense that the summation of our greatest personal efforts could gain us the smallest fraction of pleasure from God or access to God. And when it's buried, the only hope that remains for us is recognizing our absolute spiritual poverty. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

The mission of God is not that you and I would embark on a journey of regaining personal holiness. The mission of God is for you and I to believe in the One He sent and to set our hope fully on Him.

If we have to choose between the two, we choose hunger. Because it's in that hunger that we are truly made holy.

S.L.Y. Awards 2011

2011-02-03T22:40:00.002-05:00

Krissy and I have just moved our family to Douglasville, Ga, to work with some wonderful Christ-followers at The Church at Chapelhill. And after moving here we had the pleasure of taking a couple weeks to enjoy the services and get accustomed to the town before starting to work in the office. During that time, though, we got the chance to attend the church's famed S.L.Y. (Servant Leader of the Year) Awards: a black-tie, red carpet, Grammy-style event completely dedicated to honoring those people who serve in the church's numerous ministries with incalculable dignity and love.

There were a couple of highlights that night that taught me something about how God's Kingdom operates. I'd like to share them with you.

A little background...

Now since my first introduction to some of the staff, I've heard much about a man here named Dexter. Dexter is in charge of overseeing the facilities at the church. He is a quiet man, a hard worker, full of character. Again and again I heard staff members commenting on the immensity of this man's heart for God. In my first conversation with Dexter, I told him self-deprecatingly that there wasn't too much to know about me. He quickly responded, "Well, do you know the Lord?" I could tell there was more to him than met the eye.

So there we are at the S.L.Y. awards celebrating the leadership of so many of Chapelhill's servants. Now each award is presented just like you might see at the Grammy's or Academy Awards with the introduction of a presenter, the swells of epic music, followed by the intro to the category...and up walks Dexter to the microphone to present. As he unassumingly approached the mic, the audience erupted in applause; he was a presenter, mind you. We all stood to our feet and cheered on the meekness of this man of God--a Kingdom ovation. It is a moment that will not be forgotten. Dexter, of course, being the man that he is, was shocked and a little embarrassed, but what a moment.

The second moment of that night that rings unforgettable happened when a man named Neil received a reward, and taking the microphone to give thanks, he said, "I'd like to accept this award on behalf of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He's the reason that we've all received these award tonight. This resembles me decreasing and Him increasing. Thank you." And with that he left the stage. The crowd sat, absorbing what Neil said, soaking it in.

How awesome to be a part of the Kingdom of God, where the meek are celebrated with applause and standing ovations and where the glory of the acceptance speech is unwaveringly aimed at the King of Kings.

What an amazing inaugural event for us here at The Church at Chapelhill!

transitions

2011-01-24T22:43:00.007-05:00

Inevitable.

That's the word that comes to mind when I think of the realities of transitions. Everyone makes transitions. We all come to these scary forks in the road; otherwise, every person would stay on the same path, never veering or making changes. We'd all be on a one-way road to homogeny...and that's nowhere to be.

But transitions are uncomfortable. I mean, let's face it, there's nothing scarier than the decision to go left instead of right...or right instead of left, not knowing what end is waiting for us...not knowing what end would have been waiting on the other path.

And it would be great if there was a quick emotional resolution once a decision was made, but there are these tragic things called regrets that so many of us feel: these stalker feelings that creep up on you every time you long to completely invest in the present.

Robert Frost writes in The Road Not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth. Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference.

Transitions are hard. And they are inevitable. The point is that when you and I come to forks in the road, we can't just set up camp...we have to take a path. We have to choose and keep on choosing. And we must sometimes choose the road not taken.

But no matter which path you choose, you will have parasites that will try to accompany you, Discouragement and Regret.

Regret is the phantom that robs you of joy no matter where you are. He keeps you from seeing what's in front of you, reminding you only of what's not. He'll undermine your every step with inventions of what could've been, while destroying the adventure of what is. And he inspires his good friend, Discouragement, who will turn your head to look back down the path you've walked. Maybe, he'll say, we should just turn back...it was better there...it was easier. But it wasn't. Discouragement isn't like Regret; he sees what's in front of him, but he's nearsighted. Any hardship or discomfort brings him to his knees.

A piece of advice: kick those soul vacuums to the curb.

Choose your road, and choose wisely. Remember, the steps of the righteous are ordered by the LORD. So commit all your plans to Him, and you will choose well.

i ain't too smart

2010-03-30T15:43:00.003-04:00

This post is going to be a little self-indulgent, but it's my blog...so deal.

I ain't too smart. That might not be the best grammar, but it perfectly supports what I'd like to convey. Krissy and I had two, well, let's call them "miscommunications," or what a pastor friend of mine calls "intense fellowships." And truth be told, they were both my fault...no self-deprecation or manipulative intent here.

it really was my fault.

The first instance was the classic Grant sticks his foot in his mouth and simultaneously passes off a guilt-trip with greased edges. I made my wife feel bad about something that she genuinely felt was a good decision, and I didn't realize until we were knee deep in mud that what had really happened was this: I passed off some judgment of her decision, which really was a reflection of the way I judge myself, through guilt and heaping on the burden. Was that my intent? No, of course not, but when I saw it for what it was, it was clearly wrong.

You'd think a pastor could get his junk together and not step on toes so easily, but the truth is that I spend a substantial amount of time trying to keep my foot of my mouth...and others for that matter.

There was the time I incidentally insulted a cross-eyed girl during a bull fight in Spain--that one can't be easily forgotten. I also may have accidentally referred to a good friend of hers, commenting that she had a lot in common with that bull in the ring. I've also said things so insensitive I'm ashamed to describe them. The point is, this has been a lifelong battle in shutting my stinkin' mouth.

I speak quickly and bluntly, which can be a good trait when you're offering compassion alongside honesty...but this same trait often proves to be destructive.

So, of course, I apologized. I was wrong. She deserved an apology.

The next "miscommunication" was also on my part.

I told Krissy that I was headed home for lunch at noon, and being the good wife that she is, she took the time to cook me lunch. I didn't know that part; I envisioned Ramen noodles...beef...in a small yellow bowl. Delicious yes! Fight-worthy, no, but a cooked meal deserves a grandiose beatdown. That's always the last straw in movies about broken relationships--one partner sits alone at the dinner table...for what might be hours...waiting for the other to come bouncing in, looking like an idiot. Our relationship is great, but I hated that Krissy can now identify with that moment in the movies. So upon getting in my car to head to the apartment, I got a call that I was needed at a lunch meeting. I called Krissy several times and got nothing but electronic voicemail lady--she's super annoying...voicemail lady, that is. And instead of doing the wise thing, I left a message and sent her a text telling her I was eating out. Classic! You know the rest. She let me know that she cooked...I felt terrible.

So, the count is 2 strikes...and I have one chance left for redemption...that comes when I go home this afternoon. I want to blow her socks off with a killer night, but we have also been burning the wick at both ends...maybe a relaxed night with Lily. Whatever it is, we can be sure of this: it would have been much easier if I had checked my mouth & my actions before being so quick and presumptuous.

You ever had a day like this? Check yourself before you wreck yourself--I think Jesus said that. Do yourself a favor, and be safe...not sorry. Stick with the plan. Do what you said you were going to do.

If you read this Kris...I love you baby. I'm sorry. You dat kimchi.

A Few Goodies

2010-03-04T14:06:00.005-05:00

Krissy Makes Lily Cry

Dance Fever

Close-Up & Personal

falling into Love

2010-02-23T20:05:00.006-05:00

been away for awhile...can't promise it won't happen again. what can i say?...i'm a slave to inspiration.

i've noticed an inner transition in me in the last month or so that i'd love to share with whomever is reading. a couple months back i began a book that was celebrated by many and belittled by just as many, but i came away with such an appreciation for THE SHACK because of the enamoring course of redemption that takes place in its plotted pages. with each turn toward that last page i came to a realization of something i thought i had solved, figured out through thousands of sermons and scripture-saturated sunday school lessons...but the imprint left in me from reading was an indelible reminder that such a thing cannot be solved, only experienced...and experience it i did.

i fell into Love.

love is a subject that we hear so much about...but one that lacks much definition in a culture devoid of moral or ethical standards, fueled by a raging idolatry of individualism. love is without shape, floating in a vacuum, when it's trimmed away from its source, like peeling a conversation out of its context...the truth gets muddied somewhere in the middle.

but i didn't fall into a philosophical conundrum, i fell into a subtle, soothing realization of the Love of God, which He spoke over me...and into me.

God and i aren't strangers. we've been neighbors for years, really great friends in the better times...but more often, just neighbors. i've always known OF his love, but this new subtle season brought His love far nearer than the house next door or the theory that plagues our doctrine in such 'n' such commentary. God hasn't just spoken OF love...He is love...He lived love...and He's written love INTO us all.

and this new season has been so mystically marked. suddenly, it's as if something has shifted into place...the tumblers in my mind are clicking into place, aligning ever-so-perfectly with the gears of my heart, and the result is an overwhelming peace and fullness. i'm learning to rest and remain in God's love. what does it look like?...what should it feel like? it feels like hearing precisely what you need to at just the right moment...feeling what your heart longs for even when you didn't know there was a longing. it sounds like a compassionate voice piercing the silence...or like healing silence piercing the noise (whichever you prefer). it feels like a melting embrace...the kind you long for...that your throat swells up over...that your heart thuds in its shell over.

God's love is perfect because God is Love.

what i'd really like to emphasize though is the state of self-judgment that i've been able to crawl out of as a result of this encounter. for decades i've judged harshly, mostly because i've lived under my own harsh scrutiny, brow-beating myself into feeling like less-than i am because of some failure or some lack-of-something or other. the truth is that many of my own attempts at righteousness had little to do with the God that loved me...it had more to do with some ideal of rightness, totally disconnected from the Father. again, it was like a conversation taken out of context--muddy.

i don't want muddy. i want clear, crystal clear in fact! there's no greater remedy for conquering judgmental attitudes than being loved with abandon. that's what i'm experiencing. and that's what i want to invite you to encounter.

the message is the same as it's always been. is today your day to realize it?

back to business

2009-12-06T23:02:00.003-05:00

the time has come to return to the blog-o-sphere. for the past 3 months, krissy and i have been inundated with the ultimate labor of love, coping with the life-altering changes that only a baby can bring: sleepless nights, hourly feedings, messy diapers, and screaming that can frighten a grizzly. it's truly been the greatest undertaking of our marriage...the greatest gift...and the greatest challenge.

there are characteristics that God only develops in us through trials. Lily has been the bearer of many great lessons for me. I am an impatient man. I want things my way...even if they're good things...and I want them my way now.

the first night we brought Lily home i faced the challenge of a lifetime, the challenge of the banshee. Lily was colicky when we brought her home...she stayed up long hours screaming and testing our moral fiber. my friend, john spears' words rung in my head, "when you're about to freak out, put the baby down and walk away...don't shake the baby!" that first night i broke...quickly. i told krissy that i needed some time and a shower. while i'm still learning patience during the banshee screams, i've grown. i came back that second night broken from my obvious failure the night before.

i'm a fixer. i fix things. it's in my nature as a man...and even more-so ingrained in my personality. but you can't reason with a newborn...it has been laughable every time i've tried. the lesson that began that night was to be calm and peaceful in the midst of adversity. i lack in the area of long-suffering. anyone identify with that?

the lesson continues; i haven't conquered anything yet. but these are lessons that have come in the form of new life. Lily is growing so quickly and with her...i pray...my character. how about you? do you struggle with patience and long-suffering? it's a gift born of the Spirit, you know? sounds like it doesn't come too easily without an active relationship with God Himself.

more to come. stay tuned.

what tomorrow brings

2009-09-13T22:36:00.003-04:00

there's something so wildly, overwhelmingly alive about knowing that at any moment our first child might begin her journey into this world and out of her temporary home. there's anticipation like i've never had, anxiety that fills my every thought...not fear that she's coming...excitement that she'll finally be with us.

every one of you that has kids knows that from the moment you find out you're pregnant, time fills itself with thoughts and plans, preparations and worries, but all that time, the woman is building a growing emotional and physical attachment to the child in her womb. the husband, on the other hand, simply sees the outer changes: his room stacking up with little sex-specific clothes, pink dresses in our case...his wife's body being remodeled to be a suitable short-term home...his every moment being absorbed by this oncoming collision with beautiful, original life bursting from life. all that to say, i'm blown away by this inner excitement that's steadily building for her big reveal.

am i that excited about Jesus coming back? is my every moment completely filled with explosions of anticipation toward His return? man, if i can grow to such a level of anxiety and excitement over flesh...even the sweetness of mine and krissy's first child...if i can go to that level of mental, emotional, and physical commitment to the emergence of that one moment, then what should that mean about my desire to see Jesus? what does that require of me in preparing the way for His quick return?

are you anticipating the return of the Son of God, Son of Man? are you staking your every breath...your every moment on the quick return of the King?

we've got to reframe.

desert living

2009-08-27T14:34:00.002-04:00

life is the grandest gift of all, and all too often we don't realize it until its importance or its value seem to be stolen by some great emptiness or tragedy. if that's true...which I believe it is...deserts come to teach us where life's importance lies and how to manage recognizing the truth of life without fully robbing us of it.

the desert seems to be a great metaphor for personal struggle, remorse, and tragedy. it's also the place where the strength lives. there are no wimps in the desert...nothing thrives there that hasn't become accustomed to adversity. as children of God, it's far too comforting to envision our faith as the mountain top: the lush green blanket covering peaks and valleys of stretching land, filled with the chirps of birds and the trickle of streams. but when we're faced with the desert, we're dumbfounded. suddenly it's a stretch of the imagination for us to think about the desperation that must happen when all security and comfort is removed, only to be forced into rethinking how to live...and what life is actually all about.

i'm writing this today, not because i'm profound or well thought out in my delivery. i write this because i'm learning all too well the heat of the desert. this is not a cry for prayer; this is an admission of where God has led me and continues to lead me. the desert is no picnic. it's the opposite...food is scarce; obscurity and darkness blind the eyes of prey; water is near impossible to find; there's nothing to shelter you.

i googled desert survival tips and found this very basic article. it seems that there are 4 basic things to do when you're lost in the desert (it's funny that all God's children seem to be found in the desert...never lost there):

1. look for groundwater and plants that retain water
the first thing to do is to find water. all through the scriptures, the Holy Spirit is described as being a stream or a river...even Jesus says that He gives living water. we must divorce ourselves from the idea of frills and peripheral things...look for the Source. "ask and you'll receive; seek and you'll find; knock and the door will be open for you."

2. dig a trench below the surface to escape the heat and cold
when life gets too sensitive and your food and water stores get low, you have to be careful to ration and conserve energy. when you're in the desert, you can't live like you're at an oasis. take it easy; rest in God...gather strength for the journey.

3. signal for help anyway you can
the worst sign of defeat is when someone stops crying. i witnessed a children's hospital in swaziland, africa, where the dying children didn't make a sound--it wasn't that there was no pain...it's that there was no hope. it's all too tempting to resign to silence or defeat, when all you see is a bunch of the same thing coming at you. people respond to what the see and hear. God responds to the helpless...and even to the cries of the disobedient. whether you made your way into the desert or God led you there, everyone responds to cries for help, and no one can respond if they don't know you're in trouble. btw, the greatest signal is prayer.

4. everything is food
what didn't seem so special on the mountainside looks like a 4 course meal in the desert. everything becomes food. you don't see starving people quibbling over the spices used on the meat or what kind of cereal it is...food is food. we have to learn what nourishes vs. what we prefer...those are very different things.

my dad told me in a conversation about desert living that all plants have a dormant season. there's little fruit...no signs of life...no seeming growth, but below the surface, the plant's roots, if firmly established, stay strong and drink in what's needed to maintain strength and to assure it for the future. don't retreat from life in the desert, cling to it...fight for it...learn what and where real life is. look for the Source.

walk on.

a couple quotes

2009-08-25T10:04:00.002-04:00

i have a couple quotes that i want to share with you today...no rhetoric...just quotes. they're not connected in any way, except they're all killer.

"just like it's not good to eat too many sweets, it's not good for people to think about all the honors they deserve." -Solomon

"in essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, love." -Zinzendorf

"a person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls." -Solomon

"i like your Christ, i do not like your christians. your christians are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi

when you can't

2009-08-18T09:38:00.002-04:00

i'm constantly amazed at my own version of a messiah's complex. can any of you identify with that? if i can't come through on something or feel like i have to renig on a previous agreement, i feel like a failure...i feel like i've somehow loosened the straps on one of those snoopy floats in the thanksgiving day parade, and now i'm waiting for it to float away, towing dangling people behind it.

i give myself too much credit. i didn't invent the wheel; it's not my job, or in my capacity, to bear the burden of its successes or failures.

sunday night i was driving to theDoor, our young adults ministry in downtown columbus, ga. while driving i was talking to the doctor at the local animal clinic. you see, krissy and i took my dog to the er on sunday morning, and he was just acting painfully weird. in talking to the doctor again that afternoon, i realized that i was going to have to turn and go back home. i gave rob and the leaders the most last minute hot potato pass that you can get, handing over the proverbial keys to the service...and with that i went home.

the enemy likes to kick you while you're down. he wants to convince you at all times that you are failing. i had a little guilt...not too much, but i had to deal with it nonetheless. as leaders, we often feel like we're stacking up a house of cards, and we don't dare to trust anyone else with it. the key is realizing that in being a leader and in raising up new leaders, there's a moment when you have to take your hands off the gear shift and let those around you make the choices. theDoor went great; Rob and Nate and Brent led from their hearts and in the Spirit.

the truth is, we overlook that when we allow others to lead...those that you've put your heart and soul into trying to mentor...the ones you've slowly guided...the people that you've gently invested into the vision that God has placed in you--when you begin to overlook their vital role in being able to carry out the master plan, you actually undermine the leading of the Holy Spirit. do you actually believe that the Holy Spirit desires to lead ALL of us...or just you? who can bear the burden of being the only one capable of leading?...none of us.

there will come the moment to let go and step back, and watch the Spirit's leading. it'll probably be the most freeing experience of your life. walk on.

eyes that see...and faith that acts

2009-08-13T16:45:00.003-04:00

it's been too long. my apologies to the faithful few.

my buddy judd pushed me to read his copy of Red Moon Rising, an account of the emergence of the 24/7 prayer movement. it's been slow going, but i've fallen into the passionate telling of how the movement began...of how a few became many...of what transpired as a result of passionate pursuit of God entangled in this "mortal coil."

i was reading this book, and much of it begins when pete greig is given a vision on a mountainside in portugal, where God shows him a valley of bones come to life...which is an allusion to ezekiel 37. i was reading through this passage and really began internally lamenting the terrible stats facing the body of Christ: 66% of people 18-29, who were once Church-goers, leave the Church.

how can a body exist if it continually severs its parts? were they ever really part of the Church? so many questions arise...and the feeling i got was one of hopelessness. but in this ezekiel passage, God asks ezekiel if he believes the impossible can happen...and then he asks him to act on faith.

while my position on this is less than dynamic, i believe that God is posing to the young adult generation, a group so energetic and teetering on the edge of abandon, the questions of whether we truly believe He's able to do impossible things...and if we are willing to step out of the proverbial boat to see Him do it.

God believes in you. God believes in this generation. do you believe in Him? do you look at the lackluster statistics and sense that God has not forsaken them: He is gluing together the joints and ligaments of once pillaged, scattered bones...covering them with muscle and flesh...and breathing new life into a once dead society, forming a resurrected army for the sake of His own glory? or do you see dry, crusty bones?

and what are you doing about it? at what point do you stop believing in what God says is true and begin to adapt your lifestyle to it? faith demands action. it's dead if it's not on the move. put it in gear.

walk on...or even run.

sufjan stevens and prophecy

2009-07-27T10:33:00.003-04:00

don't underestimate the power of pairings.

i've learned something from starbucks' attempt to educate people on food & coffee pairings, and that is this: some things are better experienced when you engage multiple senses simultaneously. ethiopian sidamo pairs well with lemon cake...or grapefruit; verona tastes great with a slice of chocolate cake; arabian mocha sanani goes great with black berries...or with a piece of carrot cake. sound strange? let me introduce you, then, to the idea behind it. these sensations are like really cool, charismatic people...alone they're great, but when they meet up and hang out together, there's an energy and synergy that comes on the scene.

now let's marry that idea in regard to the spiritual disciplines. why not try something new today in engaging the eternal Word: pair music with the reading of scripture. more than a year ago, God was birthing a desire in me to read some of the books of the prophets. i dove into the book of isaiah, who seems to be the quintessential read in the prophets--the cool guy in class. in a magical moment, though, the "flowering branch of jesse," which is a description of Jesus and God's plan for redemption, corresponded with the introduction in sufjan stevens' song "concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illionois." i remember the visceral reaction that overtook me: goosebumps and tears signaled a unity of spiritual and physical and emotional cohesion. there was an overwhelming feeling that isaiah had adopted this song as his background theme.

so try it out. let me know what pairings and combinations you discover along your trials. do everything unto God. He desires today to redeem your heart and mind and to be known by you, His child.

walk on.

content

2009-07-23T11:30:00.003-04:00

contentment. francis chan says that the key to contentment is knowing that you're rich in Jesus. there's no wanton search for happiness that drowns out in the droning lust for more...not in the realm of Jesus.

i'm in a different place right now. it feels like a place of contentment. i'm not accustomed to this place. it's looks and smells different than i thought it might. i always imagined contentment feeling overwhelming...it doesn't. it feels good. not the kind of good that you use to explain ambiguous feelings...the kind of good that finds its definition in God alone.

this contentment has all kinds of cool bells and whistles: i'm not motivated by guilt to get in the Word or to pray...i'm serenaded in by the Father who loves me; i see the roads that i didn't take earlier in life...and i'm fulfilled in the road that i'm walking on. this contentment is pretty amazing stuff.

so much of life is lived in pursuit of passion, which i'm all for, when it's directed toward God, but how do we live an entire life like that? contentment isn't the denial of passion, it's the recognition of passion even in the quiet moments...maybe even in the mundane.

paul's words ring true, "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." francis chan spoke on the context of the book of philippians and how it was written in prison. that passage is about being contented no matter the circumstance because of the richness of knowing Christ.

can you and i say that of our lives? walk on.

at 80

2009-07-07T23:24:00.003-04:00

who will i be when my d.o.b. differs from the date by 80 years? how will i act? will i function in the culture around me? will i scowl at the passing kids? will i snap at those that just don't understand my time and my culture?

i had a good, long talk with paul thomas today...he's a friend and a mentor, a coworker of mine. we asked ourselves the question of how we'd respond to the freight train of age. years have already begun to speed by...i'm about to be a dad. the brakes are swinging loose from the bottom of the dated car, and there's no going back...

so what will it look like?

there are many people in evangel temple, where i serve as a pastor, that are beyond their prime and still reaching out to the younger generations, plugged into a culture that must seem so foreign to them. and why? where's this fountain of youth that they seem to be drinking from?

it seems their commitment to staying involved in the moving tide of culture is bound to their determination to love people...all people, indiscriminant of age, race, or music preference.

i'd like to give a shout out to the betty smiths, the eternally alive amy loates, and women of the like, whose heartbeat it seems is for the world around them, despite its ever changing appearance and language and etiquette...or lack thereof. these are the role models that i look to.

i close here. i visited with max price in the hospital today. max is one of those men that's been through a lifetime in the past 2 years. his bride of half a century passed away...struggled through leg surgeries, finger amputations, etc. he is ready, admittedly, to go home to be with the Lord. but in his eyes lies an energy undescribable. he has fought hard, run with perseverance, adapted to the world around him...and loved everyone to whom his life has been entrusted. we're all entrusted with people and to people...we have minutes and days...and they seem to stack up until they're stolen away like sunshine on a cloudy day.

max calls my name before God every day. that's the kind of love that fills you with life. that's the kind of man i long to be. someone that cares enough for his brother that he'll sacrifice his words, his life, his comforts for the sake of another.

walk on.

building community...breaking lies

2009-07-06T19:54:00.002-04:00

God is amazing.

i went to clarity, rob kaple's small group, tonight to talk about making an intense commitment to smaller communities.

"why would i do that?" you may be asking...well, allow me to share.

for the sake of personal transparency...for the sake of realizing God's dreams of piercing us with His overcoming love...and for realizing the kind of life that the Word calls Christ's disciples to.

i went in with ideas...jumbled at best...but the living God spoke. grant ended early...God stayed a while.

God is interested in us knowing that we can trust each other...that we have it in us to be the type of people that can love purely...and that can purely receive love. God wants to break the lies that we've swallowed about who's up to the challenge and who's not, because more often than not, we believe that we are NOT up to the challenge.

YOU ARE UP TO IT.

God has given you the capacity to know Him and to love Him and others purely. God has given you gifts...He's given us all gifts. but we think, somewhere deep in the backs of our heads...that the guy with the mic or holding the guitar is God's magically-gifted servant. YOU ARE GOD'S SERVANT. God wants us to know that a body doesn't function properly without all its parts working together. and the purpose is awesome: to edify the body of Christ until we all reach maturity in Christ. GOD HAS ALREADY GIVEN YOU THE GIFT...YOU HAVE TO ALLOW GOD TO ACTIVATE IT!

i want more than ever to be a healthy part of the body of Christ, helping everyone around me come to maturity in God...amazing.

monday thoughts

2009-07-06T15:58:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting in my office, listening to a podcast from cornerstore church in simi valley, ca. the podcast begins with a couple telling about their desire to go to indonesia as missionaries. the man said something that landed like a punch in the gut: "we need to live our lives in a way that demands an explanation."

my response is tears and goose bumps. that's precisely what we all need. i need to live my life in such a way that inspires questions from the outside world, no longer acquiescing to actionlessness and faithless defeat.

walk on.

community & miscellaneous

2009-07-05T23:54:00.003-04:00

community:
i spoke tonight on the non-negotiables of community: unity of purpose, fighting for peace, the necessity of forgiveness, and the foundation of love. it strikes me that preaching about something binds me to the responsibility of that message...even more than those that hear it. do i have what it takes...do any of us, for that matter...to be a healthy part of a community, fully committed to those in the community, fully committed to God's standards of interaction and responsibility?

community isn't easy or automatic...not when we look at the standard set in scripture. my vision is to see a group of young adults so intertwined around the message of the gospel among us and through us that this high standard of community becomes attainable...but not just attainable, like something we could reach for but never push ourselves to...no, it should become our aim. i want to be daring with what God's given us. i want to know that it's possible to reach outside our own grasp so constantly that we experience the kind of growth that only God can bring when we aim ever higher.

i get tired thinking about the constant reaching, though...if i'm honest...and the idea of pressing toward a goal that will take more than i have. God's grace is what will carry us.

you and i can do it. we can live out God's dreams for a whole community. we'll stumble and fall, but the community isn't about perfection...it's about coping with imperfection and relying on the grace of God being revealed in us all the more as we fight for what He says is important. then Christ will return, and we'll receive the "blessed hope": resurrected bodies, God's ultimate grace. that will be awesome.

mcgarv:
mike...you were right. i hadn't even looked at the whole list. brent hasn't posted there in 3 months...and another guy for a month...so i axed them from the list. thanks for the accountability. now post up, brother. how are we going to be famous authors if we don't start now?

kaylin:

have a great flight...the journey should begin with jitters. it makes you aware of everything...take it in, swallow it whole, remember it in your scribblings. know that God's ordered and is ordering your steps. like i always said, move toward Him, and all the other pieces will fall where they should. your life doesn't belong to you. may the LORD bless you and keep you...may His face always shine upon you and give you peace. love you, little sister.

sick:
i feel sick. i felt sick before service and immediately after. i'm gonna try to eat something now to see if it helps. good night.

*written @ 11:00, sunday, july 5. our not-so-awesome internet connection is down.

mr. mcgarvey

2009-07-04T22:38:00.004-04:00

i have to come clean. like usher, these are my confessions. unlike usher, i don't have a "chick on side" but do have "one on the way (with my wife)."

the truth is i removed mike mcgarvey's blog from my reading list today as a result of his post-less-ness over the past 3 months. i don't feel badly about it...i am vindicated by God, mike. in an effort to restore him to the blogging community, though, i'm dedicating this post to him...and begging him to exercise his bloggin' skills. do it.

i'm officially re-adding you to the reading list. please, stop the late night calls...the emails...the guilt-tripping text messages. show some dignity, man; take a shower; get back out there, mike mcgarvey...the world's waiting.

valkyrie

2009-07-04T21:07:00.004-04:00

i watched valkyrie tonight...great film. and it has me searching for clarity on the Church's place in government...or rather, the christian's responsibility to change the course of history.

what did men like claus stauffenberg, william wallace, and dietrich bonhoeffer believe about civil repair and the place of faith in social action? i'm intrigued to know because i'm intrigued by the courage it took to do what these men did...surprised at the internal battle they engaged in before engaging in wars against their own people...their very own cultures, for the sake of what--justice...freedom...life.

do i have in me what it takes to live out that kind of rebellion to evil? to social injustice? i want to say yes.

vows

2009-07-04T02:43:00.000-04:00

it's late...i'm done fishing, fire-working, and telling funny stories. i promised vows, but they'll have to wait 'til tomorrow when krissy and i can do them together. i vow to make vows.

sweet dreams.

the controller

2009-07-04T02:20:00.000-04:00

i've always been pretty guarded...pretty grandpa-ish, or so my friends tell me. i call it safe. in college a group of guys asked me to move in with them specifically to make sure they didn't do too many stupid things. such has been my life from an early age--i've existed as an overseer, an old soul, a judge, and a controller.

it's a problem.

the problem is that i think i have to publicly dissuade people from doing/saying stupid things, especially because i feel like everything sets a precedent for the next moment. but while i have good motives, there's some fight for control that's going on inside and outside me...that's a fight i don't want to be part of.

i hate it.

i hate the thing in me that feels i have to call my buddies on saying whack stuff...does that make what they say right/wrong simply because i weigh in...no. it only reinforces in me the need to always respond and to somehow see myself as a judge.

i hate it.

i'd love to see a day when i can internally relax on the conviction to make judgment calls and when my external reaction to that relaxation equals quiet leisure. i'd love an internal/external break from myself and my responsibilities, either accepted or invented.

i want to hand the controls to someone else. what do i do?

fighting for passion

2009-07-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

if you're reading this and you don't know me or my family, allow me to brag.

the first time i saw my wife, my brothers and i were at a pool party as visitors. my parents were being interviewed as the pastors of this church, evangel temple, in columbus, ga. my brothers, brent and evan, and i came along with my folks to check out the city and the people, and we were invited to this youth group pool party.

krissy was the quintessential beauty. she was fun, she was fit, and she was fine. it didn't hurt that she was in a bathing suit. i did not sin, but i was "praying for favor," as my friend nate says. i was smitten. to risk cheesiness...she had me at hello.

i went away to university and returned every summer, hoping to get a glimpse of krissy or to steal away some time with her, but she was unsure about walking with God...and so i was unsure about being with her. after graduating, though, and coming out of a relationship that wasn't good for me, God breathed life into opportunity.

krissy had turned her life back toward God...and i allowed my heart to be turned toward her. she was still the same bright, loyal, wonderful woman...and now she belonged to God. i didn't waste much time.

we've been married now 4+ years. i proposed christmas eve 2004 in front of 1300 people holding candles, and we became one flesh on may 21, 2005. four years goes by like the blink of an eye...and still sometimes i can't remember life before krissy. our lives have bled together and overlapped like blankets mounded on a bed. i've noticed something in the overlapping of time and life: passion doesn't always make itself at home within your walls...sometimes...most of the time, true passion must be fought for and executed with intent.

passion's easy when you first begin; everything's tinted by love songs and unforgettable scents and longing looks...man, those are great times, full of conquest and disaster. krissy could turn me on my head with a look...she could destroy me with her tears. four years later i can still be turned on my head and destroyed, but much of the passion that was automatic...even out of control...has to be grounded in intent and true love.

she is still the prettiest thing my eyes have ever caught glimpse of. her laugh is a generator...lights seem to brighten, saddened faces turn cheerful. krissy is childlike in her joys, vicious in her loyalty, and solid in her character. her beauty is grounded in self-analysis, not in costly clothes and costume jewelry. she embodies what a woman ought to...grace, loyalty, compassion, joy, integrity, and a little attitude. i love her...and i like her.

this blog not just ramblings about her...this is a commitment to fight for her heart, every day. this is a commitment to commitment, a vow if you will.

fight for passion. it matters. the adage remains, "anything worth keeping is worth fighting for."

tonight i will update and leave here a vow to my wife...probably similar to the ones i spoke our wedding day. my hope is that she will also make vows to me. it's unusual to live everyday under the weight of heartfelt vows to another...but i like the idea of setting our course before the waves steer us where we don't want to go.

i love you, krissy.

new banner

2009-07-03T01:46:00.000-04:00

i updated my blog banner--let me know if you like it. after hearing a friend of mine, matt huett, use this poem in a sermon, i decided to use it in the background. the poem details the divine nature of life all around us, though it often seems so ordinary and mundane. it's an elizabeth barrett browning poem...check it out:

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God:
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it, and pluck blackberries,
And daub their natural faces unaware.

stretch and grow

2009-07-03T01:07:00.000-04:00

have you ever looked back in time and felt like you lost something that you once treasured?

i used to feel sharp-minded, quick on my feet, witty...i feel pretty far from that these days. i once had little problem memorizing whatever i wanted, but now, for whatever reason, i forget things as soon as i hear them.

i want to learn more...i want to learn. i've grown lazy. i get so caught up in the quickly coming details of each day. how can i escape it? it seems like if i turn my head for a moment or blink for a second, i lose months to the sprinting onslaught of the inevitable day to day routine. i end up dealing with these ambiguous, urgent situations...they choke the future from my days and empty my personal desire to reach for my dreams.

what are my dreams? what are God's dreams for me? the lazier i get, the farther i get from the concept of reaching for the impossible...for setting new goals. the less i plan for the future, the less i think about it. it's a vicious cycle...and i'm spinning in it.

i'm so tired of atrophied muscles...so weary of this cloudy, unchallenged mind. it's time to turn over a new leaf. time to stretch and grow. who wants to come?

honesty, honestly

2009-07-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

i was about to go to bed monday night, pajamas on...about to brush my teeth, when my wife got a phone call from our sister jade.

brent's broken his ankle. he's stuck in a bowl at the skate park. the ems can't get him out.

i threw on my clothes and headed for the door with a certain urgency that i get when there are a lot of unanswered questions and the assurance that someone's in need. *i'm pretty sure i have a superhero complex... anyway, i call my buddy travis, whose at the park with him, and find out where they're headed.

where they taking him, travis?

they're headed to the medical center ER.

so i called my twin evan and informed him of the situation. long story short, brent broke and dislocated his ankle and tore some ligaments to boot.

i know what you're thinking...look at that ankle...my gosh, that's not good.

the ER was not great. the nursing staff was terrible...flirting with brent, insulting patients, unprofessional language, etc. brent was hurting a good bit (but not as bad as he was after surgery). *you can tell brent's really hurting because he's not busting on those around him... i do well in these situations; i'm pretty nurturing and can handle business. and i like being able to be there for people when they need me.

now for the honest part. my last blog was about overcoming fear. i still believe in that, but there's a 98% chance that i won't ever drop in on anything substantial. brent's gonna be off his feet for 8 weeks. the doc ordered him to stay away from skateboards for 6 months. that's a lot to be at stake for the sake of learning to drop in. i like skating, but i LOVE my ankles and their capacity to line up with my legs and feet. no thanks, tony hawk...i'll leave it to you. honesty is the best policy, right? that really looks like it hurt...honestly.

|fighting fear|

2009-06-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

my wife and i and several friends went to newnan last night to watch travis "scooter" murphy give his testimony at the Factory, this sweet indoor skate park. travis is a vital role in theDoor, the ministry that my friends and I have the privelege of running; he co-leads a skate outreach that connects with kids Sundays after our service.

travis did awesome last night. it's not on stages with lights and smoke and manufactured atmospheres that people come to know God...it's in rooms packed with kids, who have nothing to lose, looking for something they can't seem to find...it's in hospital rooms where families are looking for a good report and relief that goes deeper than flesh and blood. that's the message travis spoke, and i hope that's the one they received.

on a different note, though, i spent most of the night scared to death at what i knew i had to do. let me explain. my older brother brent has decided to battle the onslaught of age. he's turning 30 on july 21, and much of his life right now seems like a battle against that threatening idea. i was also there with my friend rob, who is a strange machine--he seems to pick up whatever talent he wants to develop. i, on the other hand, am ocd and have an overactive bladder...most decisions are based on their pragmatism to the rest of my life...and somehow, launching down any size ramp, pipe, or bowl seems a little less than intelligent. the only problem is that i know it's not pragmatism that really informed my thoughts...it's fear. i was flat scared last night. long story short, i spent 2 hours trying to drop in on a 4-ft. miniramp. there were 11 year olds speeding down 13 ft. vert pipes like it was second nature. i finally dropped in twice as the park was shutting down. the last time, i tried a trick on the other side of the pipe which cost me a bruised hip and a dangling arm...but what a night.

do what makes you afraid...IF it will make you a better person. it'll make you a better person if you do.

friends with sinners

2009-06-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

How many times have I read the passage where Jesus goes out of his way to spend time with sinners...the party at Matthew's house, the dinner with Zaccheus, the conversation with the adulterous woman by the well. Jesus was no stranger to befriending the sinner. In fact, in Luke we see his ministry kicked off with an announcement of his mission, as prophesied by Isaiah centuries before: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He's anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Jesus' preoccupation is salvation...his interest is in those who know they are sinners. Do I know my need for the Christ today? Am I aware of how totally bankrupt I am without him? Matthew 5 and Luke 6 record Jesus' words to his disciples, "Blessed are the poor [in spirit]." Essentially, blessed are you who know how completely spiritually empty you are without me. That's a great place to start, because it's there that you and I identify with God's purpose to reunite with all mankind through Jesus, beginning with us.

Let this question marinate and plague you today. Are you a friend with sinners? Are you going out of your way to hang out with the sick, the disenfranchised, the broken? Are you fulfilling the work that Jesus began 2,000 years ago.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on YOU, because He's anointed YOU to preach good news to the broken-hearted sinner; to proclaim freedom for the pornographers, the drug dealers, and the prostitutes; to proclaim recovery for the addicts, the divorced, and the demon-possessed; to release those imprisoned by their lusts...imprisoned by their pleasures...and their traditions; and to proclaim God's way of grace, love, and mercy, which all pave the road to reuniting with the God that chases us.

Love the Lord your God. Love your neighbor as yourself.

just one hat please

2009-05-21T11:53:00.000-04:00

i always like the idea of wearing hats...but i'm not bold enough to wear the brimmed hats i want to wear. luckily, this post isn't about my lack of boldness to wear a sweet hat...it's about my distaste at having to wear so many other hats simultaneously. i'd like to wear a single hat and wear it well. but life hands us truckloads of hats and demands that we stack them high, reverse them, balance them, shuffle them into their proper placement.

having to wear so many hats is complex and strangely enough can give you a complex...a messiah complex...a victim complex. but we are neither of those. you and i, with our cat-n-the hat stack atop our heads, are doing our best to figure it out...and to figure ourselves out while the IT gets figured out. there's a lot of figurin' to be done between the time we get up and lay back down.

don't let the hats cover the true hat, child of God. that's the hat that trumps them all--the rest fit in its brim. we are children of God, bought at a great price because of God's great love. He's given you and i the perfect hat...it doesn't sit too heavy...it isn't too tight. it fits just right. put it on today, and let it transform you.

a quiet tidal wave

2009-05-18T16:31:00.000-04:00

there's no such thing. tidal waves make noise...lots of noise. they create instantaneous change, transforming the landscape. they leave behind the debris of broken structures and clear land for new ones. they wash away good and bad and devour anyting that stand in their way. tidal waves are not quiet. tidal waves are forceful. they overpower any man-made thing...they render man's buildings to rubble and raise them to the ground.

when i think of tidal waves, i think of the power and transformation that happens. only God can bring about such change in us...only God can move in and alter the landscape of our lives with one crashing blow. and when we find ourselves dreaming the dreams that God dreams, dreams of children born of His Spirit and set apart to do His good works, so that people return to their Father, we are swept up in the arms of this most mighty tidal wave.

i'm pretty sure that i've messed it up though. i'm like the man that's swept up on the crest of the wave, shouting, "look at me...look at how powerful i am!" the truth is that when we are swept into the tidal wave of God's Spirit...His hand of change...it's not for our own glory that we shout. it is for God's glory.

i see a quiet tidal wave, walls of people lifted into the heavens, swept up in the current of God's Spirit, moving toward His purposes ever faster, ever more focused...glorifying Him, not themselves. i see a tidal wave of heart transformation and service...one that turns the other cheek and reveers the humble. i see a tidal wave that sweeps clean the landscape of pornography and lust, drunkenness and addiction, sexual immorality and idolatry. when all its might has fallen, none around will say, "look at the individual particles of water that tore it all down--this ones bigger...that one's more progressive...this one has a cooler vibe." they'll say, "look what a mighty wave has fallen here; surely, this is something that changes everything!"

let God sweep you up into the tidal wave of His dreams. behold...He makes everything brand new.

house hunt

2009-05-11T17:33:00.000-04:00

there's nothing to crush your temporal hopes like being being rejected when making an offer on a house. krissy and i have been hunting for a home for the past several weeks, especially in light of the fact that we will be homeless in 2 and 1/2 weeks, joining the ranks of dearly departed, moving into the in-laws residence. luckily for me, my in-laws are great; i love them and they love me...in your face, collective crowd-o-haters.

as i was saying...we are house hunting. i thought we found it yesterday. the stars seemed to align; the cosmos giving way to the inevitable delight of krissy and i finding a great home that we love. lo and behold, our offer was stomped and rejected...by a sweet elderly woman to boot. oh that lousy boot.

let me preface by saying that my problems are minimum at best, like cell mates in a white collar prison complaining to hardened convicts in a maximum security pen, but they're my problems, and I'll learn from them whatever lesson i can. it's no fun having your forming hopes dashed against the rocks of reality. it's even less fun to have them remain shattered.

i spoke in the last blog about broken expectations--but this is different. expectations are what you feel you deserve; hopes are what you feel might come regardless of what you deserve. proverbs says, "a hope deferred makes the heart sick." it also says that the heart is the "wellspring of life...and that we should guard our hearts." so what happens when i set my heart on something that will defer hope...that will slow the bubbling path of this wellspring?

once again, i think it's a matter of checking God's purpose for me and the state of my heart. will i be broken over something temporary? will i care more for where i am than who i am...or who HE is? temporary discomfort gives us the opportunity to rediscover and be revitalized by the eternal. God owns me. and if you've been baptized into death by His blood and made new by His resurrection, then He owns you too. watch the weight that your heart assigns to "things." things will go away...but God's Word will last forever.

now walk it out...walk it out (hip hop music resonates).

personality, expectations, & purpose

2009-04-27T13:33:00.000-04:00

i'd like to be a little self-indulgent today and share some thoughts and feelings of mine. be forewarned, they're sticky and imperfect, but they're genuine and surrendered to God.

life is filled with a kaleidoscope of personalities, belonging to people who are as different as night is from day. but i think that everyone shares some similarities, regardless of the far-flung personality/character traits that make up each of us. for instance, i believe that no matter how different i am from someone, we both share an affinity for loving and being loved. we seem to be built for that. if you're reading this, and you wholeheartedly disagree, that's your prerogative. the fact is that the opposite extreme of loving and being loved is hating and being hated, and people who are built in communities and built for communities (and we are...why else would God design us to be born OF someone else...why not simply hatch from an egg in some remote field or on some deserted island) don't have the capacity to desire those outcomes unless some internal blow was dealt at some point, a blow that he/she never dealt with or overcame. point is...we need to be loved and need to love.

but sometimes our personalities seem to separate and divide us...they seem to take us by the arm and usher us into neat little categories: accepted & unaccepted, cool & uncool, fun & boring...categories that none of us loves to acknowledge when we find ourselves as part of the latter, the unaccepted/uncool/boring designations. i have found myself lingering in the long lines of the latter categories, and it never seems to get easier when you’re the one that feels unaccepted, disregarded, and second best. truth is, sometimes we are just not the ones that get chosen. sometimes we are more boring than the next guy. and that can leave us with some broken social expectations that are hard to deal with in a Church culture where the expectation is inclusion and reciprocation and respect.

you see, in my handmade, perfect world, people return the love and devotion and loyalty that I show them. in the world that i expect will surround me every morning when i wake up, there are no fights between sisters-in-law...no awkwardness between brothers or friends...no disrespect from the mouths of kids to their parents. we simply love each other wholeheartedly in a nonstop cycle, like little kids spinning through swinging doors in front of a hotel. but more often than not, the beautiful expectations i awake with lay shattered at my feet by the day’s end. and God and the world don’t get the hint that we don’t want to talk about it; instead He asks us to reconcile that shattered-ness with our created purpose. i don’t think God’s a sadist, but He doesn’t seem to mind the processes of purifying us for His sake. (in the Bible, we are compared to precious metal that God throws into the fire in order to burn out the impurities—what are the practical implications of His desire for us to be pure and my personal hardships?) the problem with this brokenness is that it doesn't lay about on the ground, it grows inside us...tearing, breaking, shattering. so what do we do with a life built for purpose and passion and blown about by storms of shattered expectations?

we cope. we cry. we choke on the knot hanging in our throats. and then we reconcile that God wants me to be pure before Him. God will not spare me to be comfortable. while God built us for community, our first residence is in God's Kingdom, and His laws overshadow all others. so when the expectations i have of my mother or brothers or friends is left unmet, left unreciprocated and broken, my response cannot simply be to disregard and hate him...my response must reflect God's commands. i must overlook my brothers' faults; i must love, since it covers a multitude of sins; i must serve my enemies.

so my beautiful handmade world, shattered all to bits, serves as God’s challenge for me to find purpose in the midst of unmet expectations...not in the fulfillment of my wishes and desires. Broken expectations are a gut check to your commitment as a disciple of Christ, to count everything as loss compared to knowing Him.

do you know Him? can you muster the bravery to climb out of the pile of shattered expectations to know Him who called you? climb out, and walk on.

music

2009-04-09T22:41:00.000-04:00

i'm flexing my writing muscles a little, trying my hand at writing lyrics. this new spark of interest came when my buddy rob asked me to help him come up with some lyrics to a song he's working on, called "a new kind of song." the difference between writing and writing lyrics is music of course, a fact which makes things complex since i cannot play any instruments. it's fun nonetheless. i'll share more as soon as i make some progress.

if you're a closet musician or songwriter, why don't you post something as a comment--it would be awesome to make this a place to air some new music and ideas.

the end of christian america

2009-04-08T10:19:00.000-04:00

i have so much updating to do, but for now i want to share an article that my dad sent me this morning. the title is "the end of christian america." it's a long article, but the writer has much to say about the decline of christianity's influence in the u.s. while reading, i felt the compulsion to categorize the writer and identify her with a camp, whether christian or secular. but the fact is, she refers to the rise and fall of the church's power using historical analysis, religious leaders' warnings, and the philosophizing of philosophers.

it's a great article. you owe it to yourself, no matter how lofty and weighty the subject matter, to read. the church is at the tipping point of change. pastors and leaders from the church of the 70s and 80s, many of them, are scrambling to make heads or tails of the situation, while young pastors of my generation, the 90s and new millenium, are struggling to maintain the meat, scrap the scraps, and not segregate ourselves from the spiritual wisdom of the greater church.

working on staff at a traditional pentecostal church in the bible belt, i have the advantage of seeing coping patterns in our day-to-day definition of the church's mission. right now, the church is reaching to explain the loss of people...the first fruits of a coming decline. we see books like "un-christian" and "simple church," which are both good books in my estimation. both give statistics and analysis of church growth and church decline and encourage church leaders to listen more and to implement simplicity in their church structures. i believe, though, that we'll continue to see a steady decline in church attendance, and then the church will gather her wits and re-analyze.

that's when we'll see new literature and efforts designed to move church mission outside the walls of a traditional structure, even discarding the paradigm that church is what happens somewhere. our definitions will grow to "church is what happens when you wake up and step out of the door. it's what occurs when believers pray for one another in their living rooms and kitchens." house churches will not be just another avenue, they'll be the main thrust of the american church. and while we are decades, maybe a century away, we will eventually join the ranks of the international church, scorned, abused, and worse.

i sound really bleak, i know, except that i believe what's to come will also include a great outpouring of God's Spirit. i believe that God will show himself in signs and wonders, and i believe that the church will grow in might. we will not be the moral majority...we will be the conquering minority, purified by humility and "spiritual poverty" (mattew 5) apart from God.

we are at the tipping point of greatness, and better than that...of goodness. and we, God's baton, remain in his hand as he orchestrates every movement of this great opus with us at the center. hold on tight.

|how very clever|

2009-03-04T10:37:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting in my office, fighting the throat-shredding bronchitis i've had for a week. honestly, i came to work today sick, but i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. sometimes you just put your legs underneath you and rebel against your body. today is such a day.

there's something weighing heavily on my mind, though...and i'd like to get your thoughts. so if you're a reader, please chip in to the conversation. i was reading oswald chambers words on "counting my life as dear to myself" and the passage in acts 20 that he quoted from (to read the article, click here). in reading that, i'm wondering today if we Christ followers have copped out in the realm of sharing Christ with people around us...me included. i realize that my sphere of relationships is narrowed by my job as a pastor...and maybe your sphere of friends has also been narrowed by circumstances, but i also feel like maybe we depend too much on special means to disseminate the Gospel: the huge message of God's grace through faith in Christ. i feel like i have too many times fallen into the desire to be crafty in the "marketing" of the Gospel. i'm so challenged to read the words of Paul in Acts where he told his friends that he had done everything to preach the message of Christ's sufferings no matter the consequence to himself.

do we do that? or have we so well crafted our pitch that our hope is less to preach the Word and more to totally avoid the inherent hardships of belonging to God and telling others? i think that's where we lose our nerve...i think that's where i've often lost my nerve--fear to speak about God's love to those we're in relationship with.

what do you think? what are you afraid of? are we copping out with our clever methods?

|replacements|

2009-02-28T21:11:00.000-05:00

being sick is terrible. i've been locked up in the house for the past 3 days, body aching...throat tearing apart...coughing up the stitching of my lungs...head thumping out beats that wu tang envies.

the worst part is the knowledge that the world doesn't slowed...it continues to spin and progress...and i'm quarantined, benched for the duration.

the truth is we all face a time when the world will continue to spin without us, when we draw our last breaths and face the adventure ahead, and we must prepare those to come after us for the time which inevitably comes once we depart. there's no room for well-wishing thoughts that we are indestructible. we have to realize that we are building the future in the present.

thedoor is the young adult group that i get to lead in downtown columbus, ga (http://www.doordowntown.org). i love speaking in that group, delivering the message that i know God has for them to hear. well, tomorrow night, i won't be able to do that. this stinkin' sickness has me homebound. filling my absence with a speaker is the least of my problems, though. there are a million little facets that must be covered when i'm gone...things that i do on a weekly basis without thinking twice. who will accomplish those menial tasks tomorrow? more than that, who will accomplish those tasks when i'm gone for good? and those are just the menial tasks. who will lead when i'm gone?

we are all preparing for the big trip home, and we have to realize that our life's success isn't simply in how well we live...but in how well we teach others to live. i can't wait to sow lessons and love into our first baby. he or she will be the living legacy that i leave behind. who will replace you when you're gone?

|lesson 1 from swaziland|

2009-02-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

i promised that i would share some of the lessons i learned while in swaziland...so here we go.

* we are sick

while in swaziland, we had the pleasure of being hosted by Kevin and Helen Ward, some of the kindest, most gracious people i've met. and during our 2 weeks there, pastor Kevin took time over and over to speak to us out of our cultural comparisons. (to see more about what Kevin and Helen Ward are involved in, visit http://www.swazitc.com/index.html.) one thing very apparent in swaziland, both to visitors and to the locals, is the presence and overwhelming power of disease, especially HIV. in fact, 42% of the nation is infected. but statistics on paper can't pierce you like the hopelessness you feel when you look into the eyes of dying children who don't utter a cry or whimper. during a visit to the local children's hospital in Mbabane, we were faced with the stark reality of hopelessness, a quiet resignation in each child that life had decided to abandon them.

pastor Kevin said in one of our sit-downs that one of the noticeable things in his land was the people's awareness of sickness. with such a high deathrate and such a low life expectancy, people weren't denying the illness that plagued them. but pastor Kevin also pointed out our own sickness. the only difference was our lack of awareness...our inability to recognize the smell of death among us. we have to face the fact that we are sick.

so what ails us? what ails me?

*we are starving for community and connection. 12 year olds wield cell phones to their own demise, sexting nude photos to friends (for more, check out this link: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/15/national/main4723161.shtml), drumming up huge phone bills--WHY?--it's not simply because they're immature, though that's often an ingredient. we are hungry to be connected; yet somehow in the milieu of the world wide web and technology at our every turn, we've missed true accountable community.

*we are addicted to crap. our society is based on borrowing and spending, lending and credit. and in our upside down state, you'd think we could grasp that the backward-ness isn't just in our economy or in the government...it's in us. we spend too much; we own too much. and we have a gross addiction to MORE. more clothes, more cars, more food, more money, etc. there's no such thing as enough in our society. i heard donald miller say once that "americans want cheap crap fast, and if we don't get it...we are pissed!" enter the black friday tragedy where americans, frenzied over wal-mart sales, trampled and killed a 34 year old employee. and the tragedy increased when shoppers were outraged at the holdup. what have we become?!

but in looking at swaziland and america, the realization that we came to was that sickness wasn't simply in our nations...it is within each of us. and the answer, both to the swazis and to americans is God Himself. our sickness is sin; and our salvation is Christ. this is the message we must all digest--none of us is above the glance of its blow...we are made for God, and He's come to claim what's His.

walk on.

|things i can't do|

2009-02-20T09:18:00.001-05:00

if you're anything like me, you struggle with the same battery of sins and failures over and over. when i look i find that there are things in my life, sins, that haven't just appeared there...they are things i've made room for in the interior of my life. they have remained with me for years in full view...at least to me. for the sake of understanding the nature of sin and the course that it will run unhampered in each of our lives, imagine that my sin is the worst sin that you can imagine. got it? ok.

this sin like any other started with a bit of ignorance...and then a measure of lingering on it...not getting rid of it or calling it what it was immediately. i think a great weapon against sin is how you and i define it. ex: i had a terrible temper as a kid and had to battle it all along the way. but what if my parents had just coddled me and convinced me that my anger was simply a part of my personality and that i was unable to be rid of it? that is our response to issues of sin in our own lives--dismissal. At the root of it is our disobedience to "take captive everything that sets itself against the Lordship of Christ." you see, obedience to God's Words means that there are things that i cannot do and continue to serve.
i had a conversation with a pastor friend of mine who told me that his wife caught him doing something he shouldn't have been. he told me that his options were clearer than ever, as she calmly expressed them to him...either you stop or i leave. we who know the truth ought to know the 2 handed expression of God's message: His grace is sufficient & He demands obedience. we know that God's grace is sufficient to cover all our sins, but when does the point come when hebrews 10 sets in--"if we deliberately keep on sinning after we've received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God." oh crap!

i don't want to be anywhere near that point where that's a possibility. i want to be in the place of doing what pleases God...not what tests the reaches of His sacrifice. the apostle paul said, "everything is permitted...but not everything is beneficial." there are some things i can't do and serve God.

maybe there are some things you can't do either.

walk on.

| prego & destinations |

2009-02-05T00:21:00.000-05:00

about two months ago, krissy and i began to seriously talk about making a family. we've been waiting for krissy to finish her masters, which we didn't quite make--that's been the most tangible reason given when asked why we hadn't begun a family already. i made a rather public admission at new year's, though, that my goal for 2009 was to begin a family. not more than 3 weeks later, krissy and i found out that she was pregnant.

it's kind of a miracle. (my dad preached a sermon once talking about finding God's glory emanating from your own story--here it is.) krissy was told by her gyno that she could have difficulty getting pregnant. now i realize these facts can sound pretty personal...but i won't go farther than that. we fully expected to need fertility meds to get pregnant, which are unpredictable at best. but lo and behold, krissy and i were able to create life only weeks into really trying. we only found out she was pregnant because she was about to start some meds that made it necessary to first take a pregnancy test (medical precaution). and that night, while i was playing in the back yard with my freakout dog, krissy yelled from inside the house that i needed to come inside. and then she revealed it...a freshly "soiled" pregnancy test. we followed it with one more that night and two in the morning...all positive. and we were totally enthralled!

now, here i sit at 12:30, punching out a summary of my past 3 weeks. what i left out is that krissy has been sicker than i've ever seen her...sick every day since we announced that she was pregnant. she's not toying with nausea...krissy is exploring the recesses of her stomach lining with this one...and it is not pretty. doctors say that means the baby is really rooting in the uterus; all i have to say is that baby is rooted like an oak. krissy is miserable. she leaned over in a head-above-water moment in the middle of the night and whispered in a playful tone, "you did this to me...and i wish you were suffering like i am," to which i replied, "i am...more than you know."

the truth is life is beautiful and painful. it's a wonder to see God's miraculous hand at work...and scary what it takes to see his promises and blessings come to pass. we're going to be ecstatic to see that little one in the middle of september. right now, though, we're focused on krissy being able to stand up without losing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i spoke to a little lady at church named wanda grimes; wanda is paraplegic and is unstoppable. she shared with me that she was sick for 9 months when pregnant with her son. she said that she was so thankful that God guided her through and blessed her with a child. in fact, she reminded me that she was only feeling the weight of what she had asked God for.

i didn't picture krissy's extreme sickness when i prayed for a baby. but here we are. it's difficult to see answered prayers when the road that gets you there is so painful. and while the existential answer is that the beauty is in the process, the destination is what makes it worthwhile.

hold on...the destination is worthwhile.

| swaziland, africa |

2009-01-03T00:35:00.000-05:00

i got the amazing opportunity in november to go to swaziland, africa, along with my brother brent, one of his teen challenge leaders, 6 boys from the ozarks teen challenge center, and two of my close friends, dustin & janel nance.

what a trip! we flew for 18 hours to arrive in johannesburg, south africa, where we stayed the first night. we awoke the next morning to the announcement that barack obama had won a landslide victory in the u.s. presidential nomination. i can't explain the surreal feeling of being in africa and hearing news that will have such a huge impact on me and my countymen; it was a pretty odd experience.

johannesburg is beautiful. the sky seems to rest on the ground all over the country. it took me a little while to realize why the sky looked so much bigger...then i got it, no trees. much of the land is emerald green and has been clear cut for grazing or mining. johannesburg is a land of cowboys and cattle and coal stacks that seem to grow from the ground.

as nice as it was, i was excited to board the van to swaziland, which lay 3 hours north. i believe our driver was practicing to drive in nascar; i spent at least 2 out of 3 hours white-knuckled, gripping at the overhead handle bar, praying to drift off to the safety of sleep. we arrived in swaziland unharmed and in record time.

swaziland was high and winding...thick with trees that exhaled swirls of smoke like reclining smokers. apparently the swazis burned the stumps of trees as they clear cut the land for grazing, leaving heavy smog to trouble travelers. remember, we are riding with swaziland's premier nascar driver and a bobbing trailer to boot. thank God that the swazis, while having impoverished citizens and deteriorating infrastructure, had well maintained roads.

when you arrive in africa, there's no question you're a foreigner. i've been to many spanish-speaking nations, where i blended into the milieu of the mass. but in africa, the absence of speech doesn't save you from being discovered. i was a stranger in a strange place...i knew it...and they knew it.

we arrived at Hawane Farms just outside Mbabane, Swaziland. We saw what we would see many times over the next 2 weeks: people working farm plots...a tattered futbol pitch covered in kids...stagnant catfish ponds...and sweet, small faces in every shade of brown and black that would immediately warm your heart. the kids were wonderful, welcoming us and continuing to make us feel right at home.

while there we had the pleasure of learning about the swazi culture; seeing the tragedies of the nation's health; working in the fields alongside kids and women; learning how to chase swazi kids around a soccer field; and acting out bible stories to help the kids learn the word. i want to say what we did now, and i'd like to later blog what we learned.

| christmas and candles |

2008-12-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

they go hand in hand in my book. last night rob, kirby, and evan (the door's band) played us a bunch of christmas tunes they've been working so hard on...it was great. the entire bank was glowing and dancing in candlelight. that's why candles are so enjoyable...they're beautiful and unpredictable, mesmerizing and alive.

the service was great. we finished with communion and went on our merry way. it's challenging to break the norm, even with something as simple as a sunday service. i kept feeling like it was so short that people would be disappointed. but we accomplished what we set out to do...to welcome the King, to thank Him, and to glorify Him. i have a tendency to over-complicate stuff...last night was not complicated.

| trudging |

2008-12-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

i've been pretty busy lately...and when I'm not busy, I've been pretty lazy. I would love to offer some anecdotal expression to bring you some sense of comfort and identification, but the truth is that I'm not in that kind of mood right now.

i am in the mood to say this: walking isn't always filled with the overwhelming sense of growth and spirituality. sometimes it feels like blisters and road rage. sometimes it feels like what oswald chambers deems "drudgery." he estimates that we can't get bogged down in daily drudgery...but i estimate that we can't help but get bogged down.

i just want to know God. nothing else seems vastly important in comparison. but lately, i've been too busy or too lazy to do the one thing i deem important.

make important things important.

| dreams |

2008-10-28T16:28:00.000-04:00

i just perused an article written by mark batterson, shared by my good buddy judd. the article was all about dreaming and setting goals to mark the way. i felt awkward reading that article because of the dreamless state that i've involved myself in. at some point, i think i stopped reaching beyond what was right in front of me...don't know why. but i'm positive that God is challenging my ability to dream. what are your dreams?

i've said on several occasions that i want to write a book before i die. i think i'd like to write more than one book. i think i'd like to write a bunch of books. i would like to write at least one children's book. the point is not how many or what kind i write, though...the point is that i dream beyond my circumstance.

current circumstances can form pretty bleak surroundings when they act as walls and not windows. may my circumstances be windows to climb through and pavers to walk along. may your life circumstances not surround you like stone walls...may they instead reinforce you like a rocky foundation.

| wedding pics |

2008-10-27T00:38:00.000-04:00

rob and kirby, two of my closest friends got married october 18th. i had the pleasure of marrying them, and krissy was the matron of honor. i'm going to write more coming up, but for now, i just want to show off a couple dancing photos from the wedding...more to come. by the way, i'm a terrible dancer, but something inside me tells me that i'm great...self-deception can be a beautiful thing when it yields such laughter for everyone else. cheers to all you terrible dancers that make it happen regardless of the boos and jeers.

| late nights |

2008-10-25T02:03:00.000-04:00

i'm writing at 2 am saturday morning, kicking myself for yet again staying up later than i need to. i have no good reason. i'm just watching stupid tv, and i'll regret this in the morning...or now. yep, i regret it now.

date night:
i had an amazing date with my beautiful wife tonight. we went to olive garden...stuffed our faces with pasta...and had one of those talks where you feel the closeness and the equal interest. husbands and wives need those talks like air. without them, any relationship can begin to suffocate a person. i call it face to face and heart to heart. too often i'm guilty of trying to walk through life side by side...but relationships can't survive side by side...they grow from face to face and heart to heart time. i need to be able to look into her eyes and hear her heart beat.

super sappy...i know. it's bedtime.

| obey my dog |

2008-10-23T11:41:00.000-04:00

so several months back i wrote about the conundrum i faced in attempting to name my dog, but i really wasn't responsible in the follow-up process. so here are some pics of the epic character, the myth, the legend...max.

| right vote? |

2008-10-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

pressure's on. i feel the tension of being a white pastor in an extremely conservative denomination in the south and the sneaking desire to vote for the democratic representative. the discomfort makes me know it's a real tension...not just something i'm dreaming up. some of my friends and family say I shouldn't vote--that hardly seems to be the answer. the problem is that i want to feel like there's a RIGHT vote. is there a RIGHT vote? is there a vote that's right for me? check out this link to the last presidential debate--by far the best one in my opinion. vote.

| political irony |...and rantings

2008-10-22T23:18:00.000-04:00

i have to vote tomorrow. i hate that i have to vote tomorrow because it's 11:20 p.m., and i still don't know who i will vote for. there's something inside me that affirms that it's far more complicated than the glaring republican vs. democrat issues: abortion, gay marriage, and war policy. and any time i begin to lean from one side to the other, i find myself propelled back like a sailor tossed on the open sea. i'm beginning to get sea sick.

my dad was on a fishing boat one time out in the atlantic. he got so sick that he went below deck to lie down. as he reached the lower deck, he stumbled when the boat was jarred by a wave, leaving him inches from a giant, bloodied cleaver on the floor of the boat. i feel like that right now...sick and nearly cleaved.

|ironies of our bipartisan government|...ranting

#1 republicans' premise of government is to decentralize government and return power to the people through states' rights. republicans believe in the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" model.
IRONY: although republicans stance is to decentralize the power of government, they push legislation to direct issues of morality, which compromises their premise of government. one cannot offer freedom from government with one hand, and legislate matters of morality with the other.

#2 democrats' premise of government is to centralize government and allow dispensation of all things from a single authority. it's more like a monarchy than republicanism, which is more democratic, oddly enough.
IRONY: democrats undermine the principle of their government (instilling power in a central authority to dispense on issues of economy, education, war, and morality) with legislating in favor of social preferences on issues of morality, such as abortion and gay marriage. democrats must follow their code of action even in cases of morality. i have difficulty prescribing to this pattern of thought when a christian steps into power and legislates choice against both the premise of his party's governing foundations and against the foundations of his faith.

so i don't know who i will vote for. my good friend mike mcgarvey sent me an article written by don miller. his words struck some cords in me about the spoken agenda versus real action in cases of pro life vs. pro choice. it confused me, really. i want to know where i stand, but like many christians that will stand at the box...i'm not sure where that is. i thought about voting for JESUS...i like that idea. but if he gets elected, i feel like he won't come to the inauguration. even if he did, he would get assassinated...then just get back up (no need to stay dead 3 days when you've already conquered death, hell, and the grave & redeemed all mankind)--that would be amazing.

| waiting |

2008-09-08T14:02:00.000-04:00

i'm sitting in my house on a monday. waiting. i'm waiting on a plumber, a nice guy named ray, to finish sweating some pipes in the cavern that i once called a wall inside my bedroom closet. it is a wall no more. it was a wall, was. ray's hammer ended that designation. where was i? waiting.

i am waiting, not because i enjoy waiting, but because i lack the necessary skill to do what my good friend ray is accomplishing...one demo-ed wall at a time. even now the sounds of shredding plaster are overwhelming my thoughts, like a sumo wrestler hell-bent on rearranging a ballerina's face. not sure what that means--but there's a killer visual attached to it.

waiting. i spend a lot of time waiting, seemingly always attached to the reality that there are some things i cannot do. i have a friend, paul fincher, who is capable of grasping and achieving any task because he's pretty sure he can do it...and he does. we all have levels of ability and inability. i can't sweat pipes--ray can. i can't rebuild mustangs--paul can. but everyone can do something. the key is to not wait when there is something to do.

| new beginnings |

2008-07-28T15:47:00.000-04:00

i'm thankful for cycles, like ringlets in my niece's hair...they curl around to and fro and pull my eyes into a jason bourne-style chase. i like that time seems to move in circles and cycles--it seems like monday is a good starting-over day. the previous race just ended for better or worse, and i get to start over.

you get to start over too. there's no mistake too big to keep you from turning back to God today--his grace is brand new today. it's not as black and white as serving God yesterday and not following Him today...it's a pot of soup, full of all kinds of days--victories and defeats, happiness and sadness, sorrow and joy. we push through the hard times and soak in the good times. we learn to grow in both.

take the chance today to start over: give yourself a break. give others a break. adopt a new attitude. enjoy what you've been given. love God. love people.

walk on.

| narcissus |

2008-07-17T11:09:00.000-04:00

i'm having one of those days...you know, the ones where you question if what you're doing has any impact...the kind of day where you don't so much want to throw it in--you want to throw them in, them being anyone more interested in themselves than in the big picture. that is an overly-honest statement...hope you can bear it.

: dictator vs. democracy

being in the church all my life, i have discovered an intrinsic flaw to its organizational dynamic. churches (notice the lower-case "c" in "churches") are filled with people from many motivational vantage points--many, though, whose desire it is to fill a social obligation rather than to be transformed and to likewise help spread that transformation. with that as the foundation, the vast majority of churches are inundated with programs. what is a program, you might ask--a program is a means to accomplish a goal from the top down, from the leadership, rather than from the people. the problem with this means of accomplishment is that the Church is a body...not just a head. it is not a flowchart of power (enter abuses in the catholic church, martin luther, and the protestant reformation)--it is a democracy, and the key to democracy is social responsibility and equality. programs circumvent the democratic approach and assume a dictatorial method. the words you will do as i say come to mind. how does that play out in a church? it plays out in mind-numbing Sunday satisfaction...a study in the warming of leftovers. in a program-based format, churches find themselves accomplishing good things...BUT good things limited to the vision and capacity of one man as opposed to the good things that can limitlessly be accomplished by countless people with Spirit-led vision and capacity.

: the downfall

why can't we overcome the program problem? you might be asking. the answer is me. g.k. chesterton once responded to a newspaper article wherein the writer asked the question what is wrong with the world? his response was simply this,

Dear Sir:
What is wrong with the world? I am.
Yours sincerely,
G.K.Chesterton

church programs are no more the cause of church laziness than guns are the cause of rising murder rates--people are the cause of church laziness. and while those things may not be the cause, lowering the number of dangerous weapons may not be a terrible idea, just like eliminating useless programs may be advantageous. the truth is, the problem with the church is me.

: ME generation

we seem to be moving more and more in the direction of the mythical narcissus, who fell into such a deep spell at his own mirrored reflection that he lived and died there at the water's edge, losing the reality of life and love at the hands of his own self-love. we are self-lovers...and consequently, we lose the meaning of life at the hands of our own self-addictions. the Church's greatest contender is self. is it any surprise that apostle paul used such vivid language, saying we must crucify ourselves daily to follow Him?!

programs cannot accomplish the mission of the Church--only the real conviction, vision, and capabilities of the Body of Christ can do that. it's time to pull yourself away from the water's edge and cast yourself into the seething crowds of men and women whose hearts long to know their Creator--you may just find yourself in that crowd. it's not at the water's edge that we find ourselves, it's at the foot of the cross...that's where i see myself clearly and see him who i am becoming. the Church needs the person you're becoming to be alight with passion for the big picture...for God's desire to reconcile all men to Himself in Christ.

now walk.

| amendment to namelessness |

2008-07-08T10:27:00.000-04:00

this one's for all the haters...hating on me for not naming that crazy puppy. max. that's his name. maximus...maxwell (embrya...not john maxwell--i've had enough leadership materials fed me to gag me for a lifetime...all of which seem to be re-titled versions of the same book). to the critics whose first inclination is to judge my choice--stop naysaying...why don't you build something?! and to the blessors, thanks. he's a max--he's the max.

walk on...and if you won't walk, jog on (a little inside, i know).

| what's your name? |

2008-07-02T09:56:00.002-04:00

everyone has addictions--addictions to coffee or to food, to music or movies, to smoking or even drugs. krissy and I have an addiction to puppies. we are the freaks that parade around petsmart with absolutely no intent to buy an overpriced animal...but the looking never stops. it's like that girl from the ring who never sleeps (that is, by the way, the scariest part of that movie when that boy chides his mom for helping the little girl that never sleeps). addictions don't seem to sleep.

and while addictions are very entertaining to write about, our addiction has consequences. krissy called me several weeks ago and said there were some puppies in need of rescue. it was the perfect cover, i thought to myself, getting a dog and having a good reason when people made fun of me for having gotten another dog. just like ever addict, krissy and i have given into the ownership temptation on several occasions...none of which has really panned out for us. so.......we got a puppy--a bulldog/shepherd mix. he's cute and trouble all at the same time...i think those mostly come as a package deal...he's proving my theory correct. there's a big problem with this pup, though--I can't seem to settle on a name for him. his personality lends itself to a couple of names--baby shark, kujo, demon, murderer, gollum...while his looks lend himself to some other bulldog-type names--chester, winston, charlie, jack,etc. the problem is they're all lame.

: names

there's something important about names and about naming things. adam's first real job in the garden of eden was to name things. i think it's a job that you and i have carried on as amateur apprentices since that time. a name says much about the one who carries it, much good and much bad.

i used to hate my name and still hate that i've somehow secured the place as the guy that can't really pronounce his own name without people repeating a multiplicity of others. but as i've grown, i've come to like my name. grant means great...i won't argue. our names call us into something larger than ourselves, a wish...a hope...a dream of what we might become in the eyes of Him who named us. though my parents gave me my name, i realize that one much greater has also named me.

maybe you and i simply long to know our own names--we long to hear them spoken from the lips that spoke light into being. He speaks them, you know; the scriptures say that Jesus intercedes on our behalf (He talks to the Father all day long about us and our needs to be made new). He knows who we really are.

: who you listenin to?

my puppy doesn't respond to my call as well as i'd like him to. i have a feeling once i settle on a name, though, he'll come when i call. we often look to everyone else to tell us who we are, when truly something inside us longs to be called by God. He is the only one who knows our true name. His sheep know His voice. listen to the voice that gives you your name.

walk on.

| monsters under the bed |

2008-06-27T15:13:00.000-04:00

you ever looked under your bed after what may have been weeks, months, or even years to discover things that you forgot ever existed. this is a scary moment. you have either uncovered a treasure trove or a landfill. that makes me think of that winona rider film girl, interrupted. there was a grotesque scene--that we all wish we could forget if it weren't for those ridiculous bloggers that use common films as matters of relevance--where anjelina jolie's character uncovers a dirty secret kept by brittany murphy's character...she opens foil packages from under her bed only find that it contained all her fecal matter. disgusting.

: what's under your bed?

as a kid i never feared monsters under the bed. i have 2 brothers and felt very secure, asleep side by side with brent and evan (yes, brent slept in the bed with my twin and i until he was 15 or so...though he'll tell you otherwise). but, having grown some i realize that there are monsters lurking, and every once in a while we are faced with these "demons," these "skeletons." we find that time is the greatest bed of all, and each of these monsters crawls out from under its grasp one way or another. i'm still battling monsters.

i realized the other day that i had one of those monsters that i hadn't dealt with. on a normal day in a seemingly normal situation i faced a tide of jealousy and childish anger that came out of left field. i realized that i hadn't dealt with some feelings...you know...feelings...those messy things that we all have.

: feelings

some let feelings lead them...others deny their very presence...both situations leave you bloodied with a monster hiding under the bed. feelings are really like window panes into our nature. they show who we are, for better or worse. when we identify those feelings and their birthplace, the panes turn into mirrors, and for a brief moment you and i see ourselves clearly. for some, though, the temptation is to elect your feelings president and to allow them total rule over your thoughts and judgments. that must be the reason for words like egocentric and self-centered. for those of you who operate more like me, though, you suppress. you do it with purpose...you're scared, scared to feel...you're scared to be disappointed...scared to give people access to who you are or even to look at who you actually are. we have to feel though. running from feelings is as unbalanced as a lifestyle of being led by feelings.

we have to learn to look into the mirror of self...to keep what is good and discard what is bad. soren kierkegaard said, "know thyself." the 20 somethings generation has really strained the gnat and swallowed the camel, though. we will sail the world over to find ourselves only to glorify our own individuality. God doesn't ask that we deny our feelings. He asks us to submit them to Him. He asks us to die to ourselves. i wonder where feelings mix into that death part. seems like they play an active role in what we have to die to in order to live out the love he births in us.

part of our walk must be toward God and away from ourselves. funny enough, you and i have to recognize our feelings before we can surrender them. not dealing with them will leave us running from something toward God. i don't want to look over my shoulder into darkness--I want to look ahead into light. walk into the light.

| sin and cards |

2008-06-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

i found myself the other day in a familiar place...a place i've been many times and always vowed to God that i would never return. i found myself in the middle of sin. been there lately? there's no worse feeling, in my opinion, than knowing the truth and walking into the darkness for brief moments as if to insult the integrity of His light. when i find myself in that place, i am overwhelmed by something...the heart twisting decision process. each sin is surrounded by seconds or moments or hours or days in which i can decide to not sin. inevitably, though, i have successes and failures. i found myself in the failure.

: success

success would be nice every time. as a kid, much of what i learned about being a christian was on how to be sin-less and successful in that. yet, in the truest moments in my life, it's the realization that i'm UNsuccessful that brings me to the feet of God. are you saying that sinning is good because it brings you back to God? no. and yes. sin has always been the red flag that points us to our need for God--the proverbial expiration date on our independent perfection. but success (sin-less-ness) does feel awful nice.

: house of cards

when i reach these moments of failure, though, why do i feel like i've begun at the bottom all over again? why does it feel like christian success is a house of cards awaiting a strong gust to topple it? why do i pressure myself into feeling the weight of perfection on these shoulders of flesh and dust? only God carries the weight of perfection, and we are made to depend on him. [my yoke has grown too heavy...my house of cards is constantly in sway. but God, you are a strong tower--no cards involved]. i think God would have us discard (no pun intended--cue the comedic drum roll) our idea of independent purity found in ourselves and reclaim our idea of newness and purity found in Him.

: anecdotes and salutations

i am reminded of two things from the scriptures that have fed my soul this morning. the parable of the 2 men in the street comes to mind. one man was a lowly tax collector on his knees in the dust. he looked up toward God beating his chest, forgive me, Lord...i am a sinner. there was another man looking on at this man. he was a proud church-goer. he looked over at the distressed man, i am glad that i'm not him. i go to the church more than most and fast more than i am required. surely, Jesus said, the first man will see the Kingdom of God...not the second. the second passage i'm reminded of is found in ephesians. because of Christ and by faith in Him, we can boldly approach the throne of God.

my success is found in Christ, not my personal success...no house of cards. when you fall, you must know that it is covered in the blood of Christ. when you don't fall, you must know that you are still covered in the blood of Christ. if you find yourself in a dark moment today--move toward the light and know that you are made new by his grace. walk on.

| dancing with the devil |

2008-05-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

: recognize!

i had a pretty wild dream a couple nights ago. in this dream i realized very quickly that i was the great warrior william wallace--no surprise, right? right. it was also evident that i was a part of a war...the war really...the great war of good vs. evil. there we were, my kilt-wearing-self and many other righteous warriors preparing for combat.

: the weirdness begins

in preparation for combat, one would think that i would arm myself with a mighty sword; instead i found a measly stick...not even a log...a stick. the righteous crowds gathered before a door, which separated us from the enemy's turf. (this scene is much like the first gladiator battle maximus fights when the men are waiting behind the door...only no one was soiling himself.) a man at the door directed us to go in groups of 3 and 4, but as the door swung open and i passed through, something altogether different took place.

i approached a bruiser...dark and towering. his hands were filled with oddly weapons, certainly not for warfare; in fact, they looked like a kind of tool for working out. the bruiser was holding a set of push-up bars--the kind that you grip while you do push-ups to save your wrists. as i approached him to do battle, a man took the stick from my hand and ushered me to my opponent. instead of dueling, the enemy and i began to dance hand in hand.

: huh?

i woke up a little befuddled as to what had transpired, when God began to speak to me out of the chaos of my dream. there is a great battle going on all around us and inside us for our hearts and minds and for the advancement of God's Kingdom (Light) over the darkness. as warriors of God, made righteous through faith in Christ, we engage this battle...but many of us don't know the first thing about warfare--we wield blunted sticks against a mighty enemy. what's more we race toward battle and many times acquiesce to dancing rather than staying the course of war.

: hidden enemy

the film usual suspects was a mystery thriller that finished with such exclamation, the viewer is left rather speechless at the result. the infamous kaiser soursei closes the film with the statement, "the greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince the world he didn't exist." we fight an enemy that seeks to strip warriors of their swords and convince them all is well. he hides himself in innocence and sells us a bill of apathy...then emerges like a wolf from sheep's clothing.

it's time to learn the art of warfare. it's time to wield sharpened swords, unsheathed. the dance is over--the battle is upon us.

walk strong.

| pinocchio's prayer |

2008-04-16T10:58:00.000-04:00

it's much easier to note the goodness in others than to affirm it in one's own life...at least that's my experience. but the scene gets much foggier when i move from affirming simple goodness to righteousness.

righteousness is a large order. it is more than perfection or blamelessness. it paints a picture of standing upright in front of God. when creation stands before its creator, there's a finite feeling that must overtake us...like pinocchio in the hands of geppetto, a wooden block in the hand of the master carver. but righteousness is a divine drug...it injects infinity and confidence into the veins of creation. the key to comprehending righteousness is knowing that it falls grace-fully from the Creator's hand; it is not a state that we can climb into of our own accord. we are all blocks of wood in God's hand...none is intelligent when standing before the One who was and is and always will be.

the Word says that the prayer of the righteous man overcomes a lot, but i find myself approaching prayer like a scorned, second-rate visitor, knowing in the corner of my mind that i'm righteous, not because i have earned it...but because the Creator wanted it so. how?! how can i come to a place of standing in front of God with confidence? the letter to the ephesian church says because of Christ and faith in Him, we can now come fearlessly into God's presence, assured of His glad welcome! there's no remark with enough exclamation...no sign or symbol at the end of that sentence to do it justice.

pinocchio stands fearlessly before geppetto with confidence of a glad welcome. he can ask anything--why--because of the magical work of Christ...spell-breaking, chain-splitting, life-breathing work.

you are righteous because of Christ. be bold, pinocchio, and walk tall.

| ruts |

2008-04-15T17:07:00.000-04:00

a rut must be one of the simplest things to get into...simpler than a bind or a mess, all of which are good 'ol southern phraseology. i say that about ruts because i have found myself in a perpetual state of rut lately. it can be as simple as not getting enough sleep one night which turns into two nights, then three...or it can be as complex as slowly losing sight of what matters or feeling so overwhelmed by things that don't matter that you become divided from those things that do.

paul thomas, a pastor with whom i serve, and i have some common terminology we recognize when inquiring about one another's days; among those terms are people days, work days, catch up days, and kingdom days. we feel connected to God...rut-less if you will...on the people and kingdom days, and we feel disconnected...rut-ful if you will...on the work and catch up days. there's a maturity i've learned, though, in connecting the two. i am not impervious to ruts; truth be told, neither are you.

ruts seem to be nothing more than life-sized reminders that there is a magnificent purpose in life not easily grasped...one that all heaven is attempting to get across to us...one that all hell is steadily convincing us does not exist.

the great thing about a rut is its composition. every rut is a glorified ditch. if you and i get lost in the rut we're simply looking in the wrong direction. what looks like eternity of dirt in one direction looks like a speed bump in the other. don't stay in the rut--turn and climb out. trenches are dug down in the ground for a reason...they're perfect for hiding out and escaping the danger above, but the analogy follows...a trench may be safe as long as it's temporary--no war has ever been won from the trench (rut) but from securing the high ground.

get climbing. and whatever you do, keep walking.

| the palm of His hand |

2008-04-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

Have you experienced a moment so full of fear and dread that you lost grip of your senses…maybe even your faith? I had a moment like that recently. I found myself in the floor of my laundry room in the middle of the night, clinging to the door in front of me, blind and confused. I felt like Saul (soon to become Paul), grasping for some ounce of comfort, but only finding the harsh reality of terra firma beneath me.

I was dead asleep when my dog woke me at three a.m.—that’s torture enough—to go the bathroom. But while waiting for her to return I was overcome by dizziness and confusion. What resulted was me lying on my back in the darkness, holding on to the open door until I regained vision and clarity. It came sooner than I thought, though, and not in the way I expected.

You see, my feeling was that my vision and clarity would come in the form of sight and mental clarity, but it came in the stillness of God’s voice, “Grant, I’ve got you in the palm of My hand.”

Just like Saul, I had as many questions as answers, but no question could trump the assurance I felt in being in God’s hand. There’s nothing, NO THING that “can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.”

Maybe you feel separated from God’s love even to the point of losing grip on life and faith. God longs to remind you that you are in the palm of His hand. And there’s no safer place to be than in the loving hand that created you.

| mr. contrary |

2008-03-24T11:23:00.000-04:00

[CAUTION: this post is meant to be read in the voice of the budweiser radio commercial mc, void where prohibited.]

here's to you, mr. contrary.
your life consists of endless opportunities to embarass yourself by appearing unique and unscathed by social norms. you find your voice as enchanting as those bewitching sirens that shipwreck voyagers...you ego-maniac.
your blathering can turn any occasion into an unmistakable...well, mistake. the sound of your voice makes children cry and dogs give chase...cheese molds under the weight of your contrary tone...well done, hack.

we dedicate this monday to you, which i feel sure you'll deny to elicit ridiculous conversation about conspiracy theories, agricultural politics, and socio-economic relativism as it relates to historical norms related to the names of days (all of which are made up, but which you'll pretend to know about nonetheless).

we tip our pantomimed glasses in your direction and don aggravated sneers--here's to you, mr. contrary.

| deleted |

2008-03-20T22:50:00.000-04:00

for those of you reading, i deleted my last post, "blisters." it was too thought out...not spur-of-the-moment type stuff. that's the kind of stuff i really like--inspiration at its finest. there's a place for a plan of action, but this isn't it. my desire is pure, unadulterated, provoked thoughts and feelings. there aren't enough moments and spaces to be filled with pure magic. i need magic...nay, we need magic.

i long for inspired moments...unexplainable...where all the pieces fit together effortlessly, as if time momentarily surrenders to the weight of God's desire to screw up our finite expectations. that's really all we have when it comes down to it--finite expectations of life's outcomes; i am convinced that God's plan is to shatter our "realistic" expectations, replacing them with less realistic, more reality-altering expectations.

i wish it was as simple as pointing my finger into the open air, "ala-ka-zam!" but God seems to enjoy keeping us in hopeful expectation of the next magical moment, as if all of life is one opportunity after another for Him to amaze us.

but one day--"ala-ka-zam!" hehe.

| thanks & price of convenience |

2008-03-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

i have to give thanks to my older brother brent, who inspired the theme of this blog "walking." he took a life-changing pilgrimage on camino de santiago years back and hasn't been the same since. his stories and life have always carried my twin evan and i in the wake--we are eternally grateful for the inspiration. and while he inspired the theme, i plan on owning it completely, taking all the credit unapologetically. i did need to relieve a burdened conscience, though. thanks, brent. keep walking.

: the downpour

stopped around midday, at which time the blazing heat set in...isn't that how it works?...one extreme to another...deluge to desert heat. here's to a roof over your head and the luxury of air conditioning.

we really have the ability to control our circumstances from the extremities of life. i told krissy once that i felt guilty, like she and i always removed the inconveniences and nuisances from our lives (mainly in the form of once-loved dogs turned overwhelming responsibilities). it seems unfair that so much of the world suffers mercilessly at the hand of extremity and hardship, while i simply turn the thermostat from 75 to 68 and drive (in a car) down the street to buy (with the money in my pocket) some crappy fast food (that is in abundance) to fill (as in not hungry) my 3 (or as many as i indulge in)-meals-a-day stomach.

with all that said, i love thermostat control...and owning a vehicle...and having the money to buy food and operate my vehicle. GOD, give us the strength to sacrifice what we ought and to better what we can for others. i hope my convenience isn't actually a case of world-negligence. i don't want my life to be devoid of inconvenience--what kind of life is that? i think that's why my generation and the one after find themselves so pissed off and turned upside down--the majority of our problems are self-inflicted. our luxuries have white-washed and padded our simple, tidy worlds...and we're dying of the sterilization.

give me the dirt on the path toward GOD. fill my mouth with the downpour of the storms of life. let me feel the heartache of true love. no more driving...today seems like a good day to start walking.

| downpour |

2008-03-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

it's raining really hard outside...the kind of rain where people pull over for fear they won't see the car 3 feet in front of them. i have a five minute drive to work in the mornings, and in that five minutes i found myself blinded by the spray from pools of water along the side of the road. needless to say, i relied heavily on my brakes to find a point of clarity.

it's a scary feeling to be totally blind to what may be in front of you. while it's not a perfect analogy, it's much like following CHRIST. HE asks us to be totatlly dependent--blind and brakeless--and HE will defend us, restore us, and make us like HIM. the difference is that when we follow CHRIST, the wrecks aren't just a failure on our part, they're an opportunity for us to be pruned and brought into closer dependence on CHRIST.

whatever storm you find yourself in today...trust in HIM. maybe you're walking blind--you are purposed in GOD's grip, not scrambling around under chance's sentence. perspective change is good. what looks like a downpour to someone living by chance, appears unmistakably like an opportunity to grow in dependence on the one true GOD.

happy walking...or driving.

| invitation |

2008-03-03T16:58:00.000-05:00

so i just sent an invitation to The Door to read my blog. what's the use in writing if people don't read, right?

there's something about writing that allows a message to be transferred more clearly, devoid of distractions...at least on the part of the writer. clarity. i think that's what i'm getting at. we all want clarity in our lives--jobs, relationships, spirituality. we're all two inches from opaque, and all we desire is to be crystal clear--it's what joins us together. but paul said it right when he told timothy, "GOD didn't give us a spirit of fear/despair, but one of power and love and self-discipline." let's move toward that together...clarity...power, love, and self-discipline--a life devoted to God's presence, His power, and the passion to follow Him.

walking one step at a time.

| monday |

2008-03-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

monday is a day for lower-case letters and dark, bold coffee--the kind that showcases oily bubbles on the surface and smokey swirls of bitter delight in the reflection...the kind that hurts your stomach if you don't chase it with food. although today is monday, the weather invites nothing but smiles today...blue skies and sun shining. it's a day for a drive down a shady, country road, finger-clasped canopy overhead. reminds me of anderson, sc, my hometown, where those drives aren't abnormal but daily expectations.

i don't hate mondays...i hate waking up on mondays. the weekends are great, but i turn into a bit of white trash on the weekends...lying around doing, well, not much of anything. it's refreshing and draining all at the same time.

thank you, God, for another try at serving you today...this week.

oh, sweet & sour mondays...here's to you. [tips the black, bold coffee to his lips and drinks deep]

| marriage |

2008-02-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

I heard my mom say once that marriage was looking into a mirror every day for the rest of your life and seeing your faults in the reflection. Although it sounds negative, she meant that it stretches you and grows you...tears at you, like ripping off corners of paper to put your gum in. The point seems to be that when all the little jagged edges are realized and ripped away, there's a whole person there. In life we have to lose all the extras...all the baggage to get down to the real stuff. It's counterintuitive--it sounds a lot like Jesus: "to gain your life, you must lose it...the first will be last and the last first...the greatest in the kingdom will be the least." WHAT!

How have we gotten turned so inside out?

Allen Levi sings an awesome song that talks about a place where people walk backward--it's safe to say that's us. That's me. [Rabbit trail]

: back to marriage

I see a lot of myself that needs to be torn away. I see it in the looks on Krissy's sweet face. I see all the ways that I don't love Krissy well...when I don't show her compassion or patience when she's vulnerable with me...when I'm so monotonous about talking with her...when I don't take time to ask her how she is and what she thinks. I'm selfish. I feel like there are curse words that give an apt description of the kind of guy I can be (allow your imagination to pen those words). Marriage is a lot like a mirror where you look in and see your own personalized version of Dorian Gray. I may look like I have it all together, but Krissy sees the pieces that God is actively tearing away.

Sometimes I feel like God equips married couples with human-sized shears--each other. Krissy is a tool in God's hand, trimming away the barren branches and leaving only the good ones.

I love her. I'm sorry for the times that I don't show her how much.

Growing up in the pews, I had an idea of this crystal woman...perfect in every way. At times I've tried to crystal-ize Krissy--she won't be anything but herself and who God is making her. I appreciate how committed she is to the art of being herself. She's an artist and a masterpiece. She challenges me to de-crystal-ize myself...to break out of the lifeless poses and to come alive.

reminder: do better in love. love better. love harder. give more. surrender more. take more time. love God's Krissy.

| bring on the rain |

2008-02-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

today's a day of overload...culmination of feelings and obligations and burdens--i make a living on helping others carry and conquer that stuff, but today i'm done with feelings and obligations and burdens...today i reserve the right to be aggravated and pissed. i think people need days when they're just done. today's my day.

it's been raining since yesterday afternoon...awesome. we're in a drought and have been for about 6 months. droughts do funny things to people. circumstances seem to flip--things that were a nuisance, like rain for instance, are a blessing. course, i've always been favorable to a good rainy day, but it's even better now that we need it so much. i'm in something of a drought. i could use a good rain myself--one of those rains that you see in cartoons where all the trees bud and flowers bloom immediately when it's done.

wonder how GOD feels about all this. HE doesn't seem foreign to anger or aggravation. if he can identify with us in every way--hebrews--then, this must be included. GOD, i'm sick of making space for everyone's bogus excuses and feelings and leaving no room for my own. more than that, i'm sick of people declaring their rights to certain feelings and not forfeiting their rights to all things if the point is Jesus and making HIM known.

come on, RAIN.